I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
