I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
