So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
