What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize