he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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