the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
