I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We had sex on a dog bed..
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
