He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
