I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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