If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
