The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
