found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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