see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
