Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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