remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
