from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
