i just wanna soil my oats bro
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
