I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
