I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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