at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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