Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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