The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
