I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
