Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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