Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
