I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
