I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
