You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
