I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
so let's talk penis.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize