Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
as a side note pls kill me
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