I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
