hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
