This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
