I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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