Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
