i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
