I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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