Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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