My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
