I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
