Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
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