Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
