Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
