saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
There's always time for handjobs
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
