Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
