Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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