My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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