He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
