First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
