I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I should be sponsored by Trojan
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
