if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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