fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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