It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
