so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
