I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
