I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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