my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
